Tuesday, December 20th - Reconstructive Surgery

Hi all!  This morning I had my second reconstructive surgery at San Ramon Medical Center and all went well.  It seemed like a relatively easy procedure after all the poking and prodding I have endured this year!  I also had my chemo port removed - yippee!  It was bumpy and ugly and I am so relieved to have it gone.  Conrad asked me why I didn't choose to "bring it home" with me, but I explained that it had served its' purpose and was better off in the hospital trash can!

Obviously I am sore but I am so elated to have this procedure behind me.  I am still all bandaged up so I can't yet report how lovely the new "girls" look just yet.  I am hoping to dress up later this week for Christmas Eve.

Now just a few weeks of laying low and recovering and then it's on to 2011!  The Simbirdis have had an incredibly crazy year and we are all very excited to a better year ahead.  I wish everyone health, happiness and joy.  The best thing about having cancer is that it has made me appreciate everyone and everything in my life and I have been sincerely enjoying the holiday season, as crazy as it can get.  I read something in Lance Armstrong's book which has stayed with me; he said those of us surviving cancer are the lucky ones.  Sounds strange, but in a way it is true.  Having faced and endured a scary diagnosis and illness, we "get it".  We understand first-hand just how precious life is and realize that it's wonderful just to be here.

Friday, December 2nd - Tamoxifen

It seemed strange to turn into the parking lot at Diablo Valley Oncology on Friday morning, since it had been 3 weeks since I had been there!  That might not seem like a long time to some, but for me it seemed like an eternity.  (And a good one, albeit.)  Dr. Svahn checked my blood levels and she said that things were starting to return to normal.  I am free to go about my life!  Yippee!  She gave me a prescription for Tamoxifen which is a drug they give to folks like me who have not yet gone through menopause but who have had breast cancer.  My first day taking it was today, and I will take it everyday for the next 5 years.  Dr. Svahn said with my type of cancer, this drug has proven to be effective in reducing the chances of the cancer spreading to other organs.  Even though I have had both breasts removed, I also still need to do a self-exam each month to make sure nothing suspicious arises.  (This seems funny to me since I never had a tumor in the first place, only cancerous cells that were detected by the mammogram.)  There are supposedly a few side effects to taking Tamoxifen, but for someone like me, the benefits of taking it far outweigh the side effects.  Dr. Svahn said that taking it every day will be the most important thing I can do for my body in terms of keeping cancer away.  Eating healthy, exercising, limiting alcohol and caffeine are all good practices for sure, but taking the drug is the single most important thing I can do to assure a healthy future.  Most likely I will experience hot flashes as a result of the medicine, but she said that as my body adjusts to taking it, the flashes will get better over time.  I will see the Dr. again in two months to discuss how things are going, then every three months for exams.  In fact, I will be in her care for the next 10 years before I can say I am officially "cancer-free".

Here's the scary part; most breast cancer recurrences are discovered by patients between doctor visits.  I am supposed to contact Dr. Svahn if I have bone pain, chest pain, abdominal pain, etc. that lasts for more than a few days.  But I am thinking positive that I have conquered this disease and won't anticipate any of that!

I am so thankful to be feeling better, especially with the holiday season upon us.  I am so elated that I can participate in all the normal holiday hoopla and my heart goes out to the patients in the infusion room who will not be feeling so well.  The thought of going through chemo during Thanksgiving and Christmas just breaks my heart.  I told Dr. Svahn this and she suggested that I volunteer some time at the Cancer Support Center in Pleasant Hill.  Maybe I can share my story with someone who was recently diagnosed to provide confidence and assurance that there is life after surgery and chemo.

I have been back on my bike a few times and it feels AWESOME!  I didn't realize just how much I had missed my riding and exercising until I got back into it.  What a rush!  I am addicted to those endorphins again!  It is a little bit disheartening that I am so out of shape (from almost 5 months off) but with regular training, I anticipate that won't last for very long.  I unfortunately gained 10 pounds during chemo treatment due to the inactivity and consumption of numerous "carb" foods so my goal is to start working to get back down to my normal weight.  I have also started using a "healthy scalp" shampoo which is supposed to aid my hair in growing back, as well as an eyelash product which is also supposed to promote growth.  Now that I am feeling more myself I can't wait to start looking more myself!

Next up: saline implant surgery in San Ramon on December 20th.  My plastic surgeon tells me it will be a piece of cake.  He will be switching out my current "tissue expanders" with saline implants utilizing the same incisions made for the mastectomies.  It is a very quick out-patient surgery and I will be home the same day.  No lifting, driving or vacuuming for a week...oh bummer.  Harun and kids will have to do the laundry and vacuum, doctor's orders.  :)

I HAVE CROSSED THE FINISH LINE!

First and foremost I want to say “THANK GOD” that I made it through the past 7 months.  I have been through so much since my diagnosis on April 15th of this year.  My chemo treatments ended last Friday and needless to say, I AM EXCITED about my new life ahead!  As each day passes I feel stronger and stronger and better and better.  In retrospect and now that I am starting to feel more like myself, I realize just how sick and miserable I had been.  One of the main things that got me through was the support of SO many wonderful folks.


To my old friends and to my new friends,
To the California Family,
To my family members on the East Coast,
To the cheer moms,
To the St. Bonnie’s friends,
To the Heartlets,
To my bike riding/gym buddies,
To my high school friends,
To my dear friend Monica who took Conrad after school every Friday for almost four months,


I will be forever grateful to you.

I am also grateful for not only your delicious meals, but help with cleaning my house, childcare for our kids, rides to and from chemo, the walking buddies on days when I was feeling up to it and buddies who met me for coffee and chatting when I needed it.  I am forever grateful.  I am also grateful for your moral support; the prayers, the calls, the letters, the emails, the texts.  And the cards - I have saved every single one of them.  On bad days when I felt like I couldn’t take another minute, I would pull one out and the comforting word of a friend would immediately make me feel better.  I have a bag FULL of them.

Whatever category you fall into, please know that I am forever indebted to you. Words cannot even express to you my gratitude for every kindness that was shown to me over the past seven months.  I have always thought that I have been blessed with incredible family and friends, but what can I say…now, even more, I KNOW that I have incredible friends.  Angels.

The past few months have been some of the darkest times of my life and I could not have made it through if I didn’t have the support of all of you.  That was one of the hardest things to accept: that I couldn’t do it all and I was going to have to accept help if my family was going to survive this ordeal.

I know I will look someday soon and realize that God had a plan for me in all this…one thing I can tell you now is that it taught me how incredibly important RELATIONSHIPS are in my life.  Not material things, but relationships.

Last Friday night, two of my dear friends hosted a party for me at Moresi's in downtown Clayton.  It was wonderful to raise a glass and celebrate this new chapter in my life!  I posted some photos from the event on this page.


“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart.”
Thank you for being a true friend to me when I needed you most!

Tuesday, November 8th - Dr. Wotowik Appointment

Now that chemo is coming to an end it's time to start preparing for my second surgery.  Yippee!  I can hardly believe it.  I saw my plastic surgeon, Dr. Wotowik, this afternoon.  He took a look at things and we discussed my new "girls".  He said that everything has healed just fine from the mastectomy and therefore we can proceed with "round two" of the breast reconstruction process.  Unfortunately I have to wait until Tuesday, December 20th...this is because my body needs time to bounce back after all the chemo treatments I have had.  Dr. Wotowik advised waiting at least a month so that all the chemo will have left my body and my white blood cell counts will presumably be back to normal.  The surgery will be done at San Ramon Valley Medical Center (at their outpatient facility) at 11:15 am and it's only a two-hour procedure.  I will be in and out that same day and should be feeling pretty decent right afterwards.  There are only a few restrictions following surgery (for about a week or two) which involve no driving or lifting.  Honestly, I almost cried in his office today...I am so happy to be moving forward with what feels like another baby step in this very painful and agonizingly long ordeal!!!  No kidding, come January 2012 I will be a WHOLE NEW WOMAN.

Next important appointment - next Monday the 14th.  I meet with Dr. Eigelberger, the breast surgeon, to discuss having my port removed.  Again, yet another surgery (albeit minor!) but it makes me happy to think I am one step closer to putting this behind me.

After almost five months and 16 treatments behind me, CHEMO WILL BE FINISHED THIS FRIDAY!  I am viewing it as the first day of the rest of my life. :)

Tuesday, October 25 - THREE Treatments Left

I can hardly believe that it will only be three more weeks of treatment and then I can get on with the rest of my life.  It seems like an eternity since I was diagnosed on April 15th.  The best way I can describe it is to say my life has been on hold for six months and I am anxiously awaiting normalcy to return.  I almost feel like I can't exhale and won't until November 11th has come and gone.

Unfortunately the treatments have not gotten any easier, in fact, some days/weeks are worse than they have been.  Like today, I had scheduled a bike ride with a friend but had to back out because I just feel sick.  It is an awful feeling; I'm not quite sure what to activities to schedule because I never know just how by body will be on any given day.  Last Tuesday I had a glorious bike ride and felt terrific, so to wake up today and not feel well was disappointing.  I realize that I only have three weeks to go but that honestly doesn't make it any easier.  Some of the odd side effects of Taxol are really starting to bother me.  One of them in particular is this strange sense that something is stuck in my throat and I have to keep swallowing to try to clear what is there.  And there is NOTHING there!  It's just a weird sensation.  The other things that are bothering me lately are the neuropathy (tingling in my hands and feet) and hot flashes.  Yes, I realize I only have to endure these things for the next three weeks but let me tell you, it's been 13 weeks so far and I am TIRED of it all.

On a more positive note, the hair on my head is starting its regrowth.  It's not really hair yet, actually, more like peach fuzz, but something is definitely happening up there!  I look forward to the day when I can leave my wig at home or not wear a cap...that will be liberating!  I am always somehow afraid that either of these will blow off in the wind and I will shock folks with my "alien" look.  The only place I feel truly free is when I am on my bike with my bike helmet on; it is strapped on so there is no fear of it blowing off and I can feel the wind rushing against my head.  It sounds weird, but it's true.  I am not a vain person, by any means, but I am looking forward to having my hair back.  It's kind of like insult to injury - you feel really sick and depressed because of the effect of the cancer drugs - and then you have to endure LOOKING weird through it all.  No fun.  I laugh when I tell Harun it must be hard to love me right now because I look so strange, but he's been terrific.

That's all for now.  I am doing my best to remain positive and strong (as I had promised myself I would at the start of this whole thing!) but I can definitely say it is taking its toll on me.  I guess I am just getting tired of fighting the fight and would like it to all be over sooner than later!!!

Friday, September 30th - ONLY 6 MORE WEEKS TO GO!

Hi everyone!  I apalogize for not blogging these past few weeks...there has not been very much new news to report so I haven't logged on lately to say HI to you.  I am plugging way and making it through!

Today marks my half-way point through the Taxol treatment!  Six treatments down, six treatments to go!  Needless to say I am very excited about this.  The past six weeks have gone by extremely quickly, as we are now very busy with the kids in school and all of their numerous activities.  I am trying to focus most of my energies on them right now and all they have happening, instead of dwelling on the strange side effects of the chemo infusions.  This seems to be working for me because as I said, the weeks are passing quickly and it seems every week I am pleasantly surprised when Friday rolls around again.  And strangely enough, I enjoy my treatments!  I know that sounds odd, but here is why:

1) I adore my nurses and caregivers at the oncology office...they are some of the sweestest people you will ever meet and seeing them brings a smile to my face.  With every visit to the office, I realize that I am one step closer to finishing treatment.  I tell my nurses that as much as I love them, I don't plan on ever returning to visit them and they laugh at me.  I think they understand why.  I couldn't imagine having to go there every week if I didn't enjoy the seeing them so much.  I have such a new-found appreciation for those who working in the nursing field, especially oncology.  Many ladies I have met at DVMO have been working in the field for a long time, and they have such interesting stories.  I love when they tell me their stories.  Uplifting and inspirational, the stories make me feel like I, too, will be victorious over this disease and maybe one day MY story will be told.  Last week, a nurse named Judy told me a story of a young patient in her 20's who discovered a cancerous lump in her breast while pregnant with her first child...she had to have chemo administered DURING her pregnancy!  Unthinkable, I know!  Somehow the drugs they gave her where safe for her unborn child.  That child is now 8 and quite a firecracker, I am told, and his mother is doing just fine.  AhMazing!!!

2) The second reason I like having my chemo treatments is that afterwards I am really tired and feel drugged, but by Friday evening I am usually feeling pretty good.  It sounds ironic, but it's true.  Saturdays are great!  I am so happy this is the day of the week when we have lots of soccer and cheer/football games because I usually have enough energy to attend everything we have planned.  The reason I feel good on these days is because they give me a lot of pre-meds to combat the Taxol's difficult side effects, so I am still feeling the benefit of these pre-meds through Saturday.  Come Sunday, however, when the meds wear off, I usually feel a general malaise and stomach upset for a few days.  It is mild, but still troublesome.  I just keep telling myself, "I CAN DO IT!"

3) The third positive reason is that I REALLY enjoy having friends take me to my infusion appointments.  It sounds funny, but with such a busy family life it is difficult to set aside time just for visiting and talking.  I LOVE having someone different take me each week...it makes the treatment go by faster, and it is wonderful to catch up.  I have said this before, but I have such wonderful friends.  I like bringing them with me to give them a little glimpse of what my world is like these days.  Funny, but it's almost like sharing it with them helps me to lighten the load.

The newest side effect I am experiencing these days is a tingling in my fingers and toes; it is called neuropathy.  It's not painful at all, just irritating and there's not much too do about it but to try some additional vitamins (some B vitamins and Alpha Lipoic Acid).  It's a lot like when your foot or hand falls asleep; lots of pin and needle-type pricks.  The doctor said they basically just watch this to make sure it doesn't get too bad.  Bad, for example, would be if I couldn't put on my necklace clasp in the morning or button a blouse.  I haven't had this problem yet.

Like I had anticipated, my eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to fall out.  It's kind of funny, actually.  I look a little bit like an alien...since it seems every other lash or brow hair has fallen out but some still remain!  It's hard, but I keep reminding myself IT IS TEMPORARY...hair does not define me and neither will this experience.

Some weeks I feel pretty good, some weeks I feel like I have a slight flu.  I am not sure exactly why that is how it works, but that's just the way it is.  If you see me out and about or at spin class, then you know I am having a good week...if I seem MIA, then you know I am not feeling so well.  I mentioned this to the doctor and she said that's just the way it is.  How my body reacts one week to the meds might be different from the week before.  It almost seems to alternate each week...I am looking forward to the week ahead because last week was a doozy.  The good thing is that while I often feel a general malaise, I am still able to take the kids to school and practices and such.  Routine like this helps me to get though and I know it is reassuring to the kids that Mom is around and doing things for them.

I made an appointment in November to see Dr. Wotowick, my "plastic".  Once chemo ends on November 11th we will start making plans for my implant surgery.  Most likely this will be taking place mid-December, and as I had said before, it is an outpatient surgery and much, much easier than the double mastectomy.  As promised, I should be looking fabulous for that Christmas pageant!

Thank you again to all my helpers and angels.  I say a prayer of thanksgiving for you all every night.  I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Labor Day - FEELIN' GOOD!

Had a funny feeling this morning as I was vacuuming the living room - how good it felt to do everyday chores like I used to do, before I was diagnosed with BC.  Strange that I would actually enjoy vacuuming the living room and doing mundane household tasks!  But, alas, I did!

Maybe that will be one of the many things I take away from this experience - we should never take our health for granted and be thankful for even silly things, like being ABLE to push the vacuum!  I had never given it much thought before...

This week's Taxol chemo went MUCH better than the first.  I took the doctor's advice and did everything she told me, and praise God, I felt a heck of a lot better.  Still some stomach upset and discomfort on Day 3 after the pre-meds had worn off, but I was still able to function and spend the day with my family.  In contrast, last week on Day 3 I was in and out of the bathroom and could barely lift my head off the couch pillow!  This week was indeed a nice change.  And fortunately for me, I've been told it will only get better and better as time goes by as my body learns to accept the medicine.  Woo hoo!

It has been a quiet Labor Day weekend as we didn't want to plan too much in the event I wasn't feeling well.  Since I felt great, on Saturday we had dinner with Mom, Dad, Elise and Steve and on Sunday we took the kids swimming.  Today we are catching up on things around the house, but like I said, I am enjoying it!

Only 10 weeks and 10 treatments left to go!

Friday, September 2 - 2nd Taxol Chemo

As I write this I am fuzzy and light-headed, so please forgive me if anything I post sounds strange!  I had a chemo treatment at 10 this morning, then lunch and a nap and sitting here at the computer, I still feel a little groggy.  God bless Mom, who took me to yet another chemo infusion.  She's been incredible and I love having her with me for my treatments.  There's always something comforting about having your mom by your side, no matter what your age!

Today's infusion was a little different because based on how the treatment went last week, the doctor decided to change some medications for me.  (I go to these Taxol treatments every Friday now.)  Last week on days 3 and 4 following the infusion my GI tract was extremely upset and I was in and out of the bathroom for what seemed like every other hour!  It wasn't exactly nausea, but more of a stomach discomfort and definitely a lot of bathroom time.  I told this to Dr. Svahn and she said it is possible that Taxol, or the preservative/agent that they mix with the Taxol is upsetting my system and that it happens with a small fraction of her patients.  I am wondering, why does it seem I am always included in the "small fraction" of her patients with awful side affects?!  Bummer for me!  Or maybe I should consider myself "special"?

So anyhoo, based on this stomach issue I had, she advised I be given another anti-nausea med today before the Taxol (called Kytril) AND suggested Immodium for the bathroom problem.  I was also given a lot less Benadryl today; since I didn't have an adverse reaction to the Taxol while sitting in the infusion chair (by adverse reaction I mean no hives, face flush or difficulty breathing).  It's comical.  The first time they give you Taxol they also give you this little bell to hold and they watch you like a hawk for the first 10 minutes of the infusion.  The nurse told me that if I was to feel really hot and flushed or couldn't breathe I was to ring the bell immediately.  How comforting.  Evidently if you ring the bell, they come running quickly with a fast-acting steroid shot to help combat the reaction.  As they were giving me the Taxol, I sat there with my mom and we both had our eye on the clock.  Like I said, the reaction happens within the first 10 minutes so you can bet we were watching each minute tick away with great curiosity.  FOR ONCE, I wasn't included in the "small fraction" of folks who are allergic to the drug and everything went OK.  I didn't need to ring the bell.

I am learning so much from this experience, did I mention that?

Here's some good news: I don't have the tingling in my hands or feet, or extreme body ache, as the doctor said I might.  Yippee!  She also told me that Taxol is NOT a cumulative medicine; meaning the side affects will get better as my body learns to tolerate and accept it, NOT worse (as it was with my very difficult A/C treatments).  I am willing to let myself believe this and this time around I feel better prepared.  Two Taxol infusions down, only 10 more to go!

Some other good news: on the days this week when I didn't have GI issues, I felt pretty darn good.  I was able to take Conrad out bike riding in the neighborhood, cook dinner, do laundry and help the kids with homework.  This is very promising!  By golly, I almost felt near normal.  This morning I even got gutsy and went to my favorite 5:30 am spin class at the gym!  It not only felt great to exercise my legs but it boosted my spirits and moral to see my friends.  They all clapped for me at the end of class and I almost cried.  Dr. Svahn said that exercising is a great idea, granted I listen to my body and only do what I can.  I was so proud to make it through the entire class.  My plan is to attend every MWF, when I am feeling well.  I had forgotten how much exercising means to me.  It's such an important part of my psyche and I NEED it as often as possible. I have a strange feeling that I might be back riding my bike up the mountain sooner than I thought!

As always, I like to THANK folks who have been so generous, loving and helpful to me.  I won't name names, but you know who you are and I am so thankful to have an incredible support group of loyal supporters.  Yes, I am a strong person, but I could not get through this without the help of others.  I fully acknowledge and accept that.  Someday I know there will come a time for ME to help someone else out in a similar situation; and I will do so with a loving and thankful heart.

My good friend, Elaine Shingleton, is a nurse and director of the oncology staff at Kaiser in Walnut Creek.  Last night on the telephone she told me something very positive.  She said that in our lifetime, it is very possible that researchers will discover a drug or drugs to kill cancer without producing negative side affects for patients.  Basically, the future medicines will kill ONLY the bad cancer cells and not attack the good ones as well (as they do now).  Wow!  That is a very cool thought as I navigate through these crazy few months of treatment, experiencing side affects in my body that I wouldn't wish for my biggest enemy.  Now, more than ever, I am determined to get involved in more fundraising events to help raise money so the researchers can do their job and find us these medicines.  It is my hope that she, indeed, is right.

Wednesday, August 24th - Dr. Svahn Appointment

This morning, I recluctantly drove to Dr. Svahn's office in Pleasant Hill for my white blood cell count checkup.  Just pulling into the parking lot at her office makes me feel sick to my stomach (since that is where I've been getting chemo every other week)!  I have felt so ill with every infusion that I dread going there.  But alas, it is what I have to do to regain my health, so go there I will.

Dr. Svahn said that all my blood counts looked good at that I was just a tad anemic, but nothing to worry about.  My weight is the exact same from the day I started chemo, which is good.  I told her that I have a great deal of anxiety about my next treatment on Friday...I guess I am so tainted by what I have gone through these past two months that I just can't think about MORE drugs in my system.  She assured me that in fact, the hardest part of my treatment is behind me and very soon I will start feeling strong again.  The new drug I am set to receive is not nearly as difficult on the system, and nausea is NOT a side effect.  The main things I may experience (and I think I wrote about this before) is a tingling in my hands and possibly joint/body ache.  Evidently, the joint ache can be relieved with Aleve or Advil and the tingling is just something they keep an eye on.  There is no mediation cocktail to take following treatment (unlike when I was receving the first four infusions) and I should be able to go about my normal activities.  That is terrific news!  In fact, I have been feeling stronger everyday, and while not 100%, I am hopeful to get there soon.  I have been walking every evening lately and I try to push myself a little further each time.  I am even considering attending my favorite spin class once the kids go back to school.  I might not be able to make it through the entire class, but I thought it might be fun to give it a shot!

Again, many thanks for your meals, phone calls, emails, cards, letters and gifts.  I am SO behind on writing thank you cards so please forgive me if I owe you one...I promise to get them out to everyone once I get over this "hump".  Love to everyone.

Saturday, August 20th - American Cancer Society Relay for Life

Wow!  Am I blessed, or am I blessed?  Mac and Jane McCormick and friends put together a team of generous folks (named Team Tamara!) who all donated their time and funds to the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life fundraiser in Clayton this past weekend.  It was amazing!  All these wonderful people/families on Team Tamara each signed up for a 2-hour time slot to walk laps around the Clayton Community Park for a 24-hour time period (yes, and some crazy people even signed up to do the hours in the middle of the night!).  It started on Saturday at 10 am with an opening ceremony and a "survivor's loop"; I was so happy to be well enough to attend and walk the loop with other survivors.  Many of my good friends came out to cheer me on with big smiles!  I wasn't feeling my very best, but at least I had recovered enough from the effects of chemo #4 to be there and enjoy the festivities.  (One of the photos on this blog page was taken at the event.)  Following the survivor's walk, each family took their turn doing the laps ALL DAY LONG and into the night until the fundraiser ended Sunday morning at 10 am.  The team raised $1200 to benefit the ACS!  And overall, $10,000 was raised to help folks like myself battling cancer!  Amazing!  I thank everyone who was involved from the bottom of my heart.

My plan is be strong and healthy next year and either help coordinate the event or be a captain of a team.  I think it's a wonderful way for Clayton families to come together to work together for a great cause.  It's a good way to teach our children that life is not always about ourselves; but we can all work together to benefit others in need.

I am hoping to have a good week before I have my next chemo on Friday.  I haven't quite fully recovered from my last infusion, but at least feeling well enough to be out about a little bit.  Friday's treatment will be a new drug, Taxol, and I have been told that it will be easier on my system.  I sure hope so!  Two of the most prevalent side affects of Taxol include body ache and tingling in the fingers/hands.  After all the nausea I have endured over the past few months, I think I can handle both of those!

The kids will be returning to school on the 30th, and like most moms, I am very happy about this!  It has been challenging to keep the kids occupied, especially when I have not been feeling well.  I owe so much to the many friends and families who have HELPED me to keep them busy (especially my parents and my sister).  With school starting, I will have more time to rest (if I need it) and focus on getting well.  My treatments will be every Friday, and they will run until November 11th.  Needless to say, I am looking forward to the juicy turkey and yummy pumpkin ale on Thanksgiving even more than usual this year!

Saturday, August 13 - My last Neulasta shot - cause to celebrate!

I'm so sorry I haven't been blogging.  The effects from the third chemo treatment were absolutely horrible and I felt too sick to even sit in front of the computer!  The symptoms themselves were about the same (nauseau, tiredness, sores in my mouth, diareah, hair loss, etc.) but they all lasted LONGER then previous infusions.  The doctor says that is because the effects are cumulative; the more drugs you have in your system, the longer it will take to expell them.  I would say it took me eight days straight of experiencing all the side effects listed above before I felt any relief.  I apologize if I didn't get a deserved thank you note to you yet this past week, or responded to emails or calls, I honestly just felt so sick that I didn't have the energy to do much of anything and I didn't feel like being social.  I do feel your love, and I do enjoy getting your cards and messages!  Sometimes I am just not well enough to respond.  I hope you'll understand.

Heading into chemo #4 was not a happy day for me; knowing what was about to come. I am trying to handle the sickness as best I can.  It's very important to me to keep things around home as normal as possible for the kids, so I try to meet their every need while taking care of myself.  This even meant taking a recent shopping trip to the mall on Carolyn's birthday when I wasn't feeling 100%...but by golly, I did it (with some assistance from my mom)!  I feel badly that both of our girls didn't have birthday parties this summer due to my illness, but I am hoping we can make it up to them sometime in the fall when I have more energy.  Luckily, they have been pretty understanding of the situation.

And poor Harun!  He is still loving me and caring for me as best he can even though I look like a freakshow!  My hair is COMPLETLY gone now; yup, I am no longer fuzzy haired on top but completely bald.  It was very itchy and scratch and was painful when I would lay my head on the pillow.  So Elissa suggested taking a razor and shaving the remaining hair and Harun was happy to oblige.  This made all the difference!  I am no longer uncomfortable sleeping or wearing a cap.  When I look in the mirror I think I look like a "conehead" person from Saturday Night Live (if any of you remember the skit!).  The beauty is that I still have eyebrows and lashes so at least I have that going for me.  I wear these wraps on my head sometimes and Harun laughs and tells me that I look like an Amish person, but honestly they are more comfortable than the wigs.  I realize the wigs look better, but somehow for me they feel very unnatural and itchy and I'd rather not wear them unless I'm going somewhere in public with the kids and their friends.

All in all, the chemo treatment yesterday went well.  My mom was with me and it was comforting to me to have her there.  I wanted her to see just how crazy it is and how many drugs they give me in a short amount of time.  Again, I have probably said this before but I have excellent, nurturing nurses and I am always happy to see them; even knowing they are about to shoot me up with poisionous drugs!  This was my LAST round of receiving two cancer-killing drugs called "A" and "C" so there was reason to celebrate.  We let out a big "WOO HOO!" when it was all over.  These are the hardest-hitting of the all the drugs they give you and they usually give patients the most trouble with recovery.  They hit you so hard that the doctors must allow you two weeks to recover in between treatments to assure that your body has that time to regain strength and build enough white blood cells so they can treat you once again.  All my blood counts looked great yesterday so we were able to proceed with the infusion.

Two weeks from now I will switch regimes to a cancer-killing drug called Taxol.  Trust me, Taxol has its' own list of crazy side affects, but one of them is NOT nausea so neededless to say I am banking on that.  The nausea has been what has been hardest for me to endure.  Depending on the day, it ranges somewhere between feeling like a bad hang over, the flu and morning sickness all rolled up into one, and it lasts for days on end.  The Taxol is not as difficult on the body as the A/C so this infusion will be given to me once a week on Fridays (starting August 26th).  I will have 12 Taxol treatments in a row, each once a week until November 14.  (Can you tell how excited I am to be done with this; I'm already looking ahead toward my end date!!!).  The oncologist tells me that 99.9% of her patients report that life gets much better once the Taxol starts...I am counting on that.  That means life would start to roll downhill from here, in a good way.

This morning at 10 I will go for my last Neulasta shot...yippee!  The shot is given in your arm to boost white blood cell counts in your blood marrow and therefore its' side affects include a general body ache and overall joint pain.  I never look forward to it because I usually feel like crap afterwards (on top of the other crap I am already experiencing from the A/C!).  Advil helps a little, or claritin.  Neulasta is not given to patients during the Taxol regime so after this morning I am DONE with it!

A couple of exciting, positive things:

1) I think I might be participating in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life coming up next weekend in Clayton.  I would LOVE to be able to do this, as the ACS has done so much for me since my diagnosis.  I was amazed to find out how many programs they sponsor for cancer patients and how many resources they have available.  If you know of someone participating in the walk and can afford a small donation, I encourage you to do this.  I can attest that the money does go towards people like myself in need!  The ACS gave me a $500 wig for free to wear during the length of my chemo treatments, no questions asked.  It was awesome!  I also attended a class they were hosting for women about skin care and makeup during chemo.  It was very helpful...otherwise I wouldn't have known how to "draw" in my own eyebrows once they start falling out!  The Relay for Life has a "Survivor's Loop" and I told the organizer that I was planning to be there, depending on how strong I was feeling.  The event is a week from now and I am hoping to be well enough from this last chemo treatment to be there.  We'll see.  It might be good for me to walk among the other survivors and feel their energy.  Come out and walk with me!  Here's the link to the event:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11CA?sid=1003&type=fr_informational&pg=informational&fr_id=34922

2) I am also considering doing a 5k fundraising walk for the Susan G. Komen foundation in San Francisco on Sunday, September 25.  It's just a quick fun run or walk along the SF Embarcadero starting and finishing at the Ferry Building.  The cost is just $30 to participate and you get a free T-shirt.  If any of you have an inkling that you'd like to come out and walk with me I WOULD LOVE IT.  This is not a fitness contest, by any means, but just a way to get out and walk and show support for the cause.  (And trust me, I will be walking very SLOW since chemo has robbed me of almost all of my fitness).  I think it might be beneficial for me to be around others who are either currently suffering from BC for who are survivors.  Below is the link for the signup.  The website is listed below.  Check it out and send me an email if you'd like to come along and join the fun tsimbirdi@gmail.com

https://secure.info-komen.org/site/TRR/RacefortheCure/SFO_SanFranciscoAffiliate/605301980?pg=ptype&fr_id=2287

Monday, August 1st - I DO NOT CARRY THE GENETIC MARKER FOR BC!

Yippee!  Some really good news came my way today...the genetic counselor at John Muir confirmed my blood test results and I do NOT carry the genetic markers (BRCA1 and BRCA2) for breast cancer!  This is wonderful news for both me and for my family members.  Essentially it means that no member of my family is any more likely to develop BC over their lifetime than the person next door.  My girls are no more likely to develop this disease than anyone else because there is no genetic link.

This is also good news because it means I am not at a greater risk for developing ovarian cancer.  If I indeed carried the gene, it would have been necessary for me to consider a hysterectomy since breast cancer and ovarian cancer are very closely linked.  But alas!  It's not a worry anymore!  Woo hoo!

Still fighting the effects of the 3rd chemo (it's been the worst recovery from treatment to date!) but I will get through...

Friday, July 29th - 3rd Chemo

Chemo was hard today.  I normally go in with my head held high and my kick a** attitude, but today I just wasn't feelin' it.  I was dreading what was about to come because I know it meant more consecutive days of nausea and sickness.  The whole thing is getting old, to be honest.  Just when I start to feel semi-normal it's time to go back again and mentally, that is very difficult.  Again, I realize I have no choice in the matter, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Two things DID help me get through it:

1) My dear friend from Southern California, Suzanne, sent me a bright pink Road ID bracelet (the kind I wear when riding the bike) and I wore it to chemo today.  It reads, "Tamara Simbirdi, warrior and survivor, kicking cancer to the curb!"  It also lists two emergency phone numbers (Harun and Elise) in case of an accident.  Woo hoo!  I love this.  I plan to wear it for the duration of my treatment and then it will be handy when I start riding the bike again.  Everytime I looked down at it, it reminded me that I am supported by a huge team of champions and their support means everything to me.

2) I got some wonderful news from a Spin friend of mine, Rich.  Rich's young son-in-law, Jaime, had cancer a few years ago and we used to chat about it.  When I was training for the TNT century ride I rode with Jaime's name on my jersey to remind me of Jaime's struggles as I headed up hills and logged miles on the bike.  He endured a terrible regime of chemotherapy during his treatment and eventually came out on the other side happy and healthy.  Rich sent me a message this morning to let me know that Jaime and his wife just gave birth to a healthy baby boy!  What a blessing!  It is truly amazing that even with the ill-effects of chemotherapy on the body, Jaime was able to move on and create something so beautiful and precious with his wife.  God is good!

These two things really helped me get through today.  Funny, sometimes I'm not sure what will inspire me to move forward but something always seems to pop up and help me along.  Our Carolyn gave me a little poem which I keep next to my bed and it goes like this, "To get through the hardest journey, we need to take only one step at a time...but we must keep stepping."  I think of this mantra a lot, especially when I am having a hard day.

Next up - I have an appointment with the genetic counselor on Monday morning to find out if I carry the BRCA gene.  Stay tuned.  I will post the results.

Thursday, July 29 - Third Chemo Tomorrow

The vacation in Tahoe couldn't last long enough, that's for sure.  It was great and it was very bittersweet to come home.  Mentally, I am having a tough time facing the fact that tomorrow morning they will "knock me down" again with the cancer-killing drugs...I have remained positive this whole time but knowing that the nausea will return again is giving me anxiety!  I hate the fact that just when I start feeling better, it's time to go in for another infusion.  It truly is horrible.  The double mastectomy and subsequent recovery was a walk in the park compared to the chemo.  I would do anything to avoid this, but I realize that is not possible.

I had a blood test done today at DV Oncology to measure my white blood count levels and the doctor said that everything looked good.  My weight hasn't fluctuated at all which surprised me; I thought for sure with all the delicious food I ate in Tahoe that I would have put on at least a pound or two.  Don't get me wrong...I'm not complainin' but I'm just sayin'.

I having been doing my best to get the essential vitamins I need, but honestly when it comes to food, I've been not worrying about carbs or fats or proteins and just going with whatever sounds good.  One day in Tahoe that meant a chocolate milkshake for lunch...yum yum!  I seem to have weird cravings for things and yet weird aversions to other things.  Day by day, my tastebuds change.  Again, I am just listening to my body and giving it whatever sounds good.

A few things (sort of new) that I am experiencing as a result of the chemo are:
1) mouth sores (no fun) and terrible bad breath
2) I can't eat foods that are too hot or too cold; everything needs to be about room temperature because my teeth are really sensitive
3) my scalp is itchy and painful to the touch

OK, so there's all the bad stuff but I did get ONE piece of good news today from the doctor: it is possible that my eyebrows might not fall out!  Or at least they might stay for awhile longer, anyway.  She said that the eyebrows are the slowest growing hair folicles and since they haven't left me yet, they might possibly stay around through August.  After that, I'll be getting a different drug called Taxol and this will most likely wipe out the eyebrows.  I suppose I should appreciate having them for now!

The doctor also told me that this third infusion will probably be my hardest.  She said I will most likely feel the worst following this treatment and my fatigue will probably increase significantly.  I am trying not to think too much about that.  I just need to get through it...so prayers please!

Wednesday, July 20th - Relaxing in Tahoe

Wow, Tahoe sure is beautiful this year.  I am not sure if it is because the lake is so incredibly full, or if it because I am feeling appreciative of the fact that I am here to enjoy it with my family and friends.  Either way, absolutely beautiful.

I was able to make the drive up to the West Shore last Sunday...slowly but surely.  I wasn't feeling my best but needless to say, I made it!  It feels great to be here.  This vacation especially is very laid-back and relaxing.  We always take off our watches while we are here and simply call it "Tahoe time"; meaning it doesn't matter what time it is.  We eat whenever we are hungry, sleep whenever we are tired or party whenever we feel like it!  It's a wonderful thing.

Another great thing is that there is no pressure to do anything special...the kids play outside in the woods and make up their own games.  This is the perfect locale for me to rest and relax and recoup after chemo.  I've been able to go down to the beach a few times and as long as I stay shaded from the sun, it's been very comfortable watching the kids play.  The water here is extremely COLD, but even so, the kids have been swimming from the shore to the pontoon.  Loads of fun.

My parents and sister have been a HUGE help to me; especially since Harun is still back in Clayton working.  They are helping take care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, giving me time to rest, etc.  I am so appreciative.  Harun will arrive this weekend.

I feel like I am starting my "upswing" after chemo...meaning I am starting to come out of the chemo fog and I am feeling stronger and better every day.  The nausea still comes in waves, but for the most part I am eating normally.  I notice I am a little tired up here, but I believe that probably has something to do with the altitude.  My doctor advised me to expect this.  The altitude can trigger anemia, so she instructed me to drink more fluids than usual and take it easy.  All in all, Chemo #2 did go better than #1...so let's keep thinking positive that #3 will be even better!  I have one more week up here in Tahoe before I have to return home for another infusion.

Happy days, everyone!

Saturday, July 16 - Made it Through Chemo #2

Well, the fact that I am awake and moving around the house at 6am gives you some indication of how well it went yesterday at my second chemo infusion.  My girlfriend and support angel, Jody, picked me up yesterday at 8am and we headed over to Diablo Valley Oncology.  In an effort to make it a better experience than last time, I went in with a "kick a**" attitude, wearing my favorite yellow bike jersey (the yellow is color the winner of the Tour de France wears)  and my livestrong bracelet; all a result of feeling inspired by one of my heros, Lance Armstrong.  I recently re-read his book which details his fascinating cancer journey (called "It's Not About the Bike, My Journey Back to Life").  I should have prefaced all this by saying that Harun and I are avid road cyclists and when we are not out riding ourselves we are following the Tour de France or reading cycling magazines or books about riding or racing.  Bike junkies, we are.  Anyhoo, Lance's book is truly amazing or I guess I should say his fight against cancer was truly amazing.  He was diagnosed with late-stage testicular cancer, which had began to move through his body, affecting both his lungs and his brain.  He had two surgeries and months and months of horrific chemo and given a 20% of survival.  20%!!!!  And not only did he beat the odds, he came back to win the Tour de France 7 times!  A truly AMAZING feat.  Alright, enough about the book, but I truly recommend it for anyone who is looking to read something truly inspiring (whether you've been touched by cancer or not).  It was much different for me reading it this time around now that I am facing my own battle.

Chemo #2 was basically the same drill as the first.  My angel nurse, Kaval, hooked me up to all the bags of clear liquids which would eventually drip into my veins over the 90 minutes we are there.  The only drug that looks different is the Adriamyican...it looks like Koolaid, and everytime I tease Kaval that it better not be Koolaid.  I know the Adriamyican has made it through my body because my urine has a slight reddish hue for a day or two following the infusion.  I forced myself to drink a ton of water during the appointment, as well as an Ensure shake which provides protein and calories.  On the way home, Jody treated me to a Jamba Juice and that went down fairly easily, too.  I felt great at home for the first few hours...I even ran out to a prosthesis clinic to pick up a compression sleeve for my right arm.  Whenever you are travelling to high altitudes, the doctor recommend you wear a compression sleeve to aid the circulation in the arm where the lymph nodes were removed.  I often have numbness and soreness there, so the compression sleeve is used to help alleviate this.  Since we are going up to Tahoe next week, the doctor thought it would be a good idea for me to wear one.  It's flesh colored and you can't really see it, so I will probably wear it as much as possible.

I started feeling sick around 6 or 7 pm, but my sister and mom were here and we popped in a movie to help keep my mind off the nausea.  It definitely helped.  I also tried to eat more and sip my juices but I still felt quite queasy and weak.  By the time bedtime rolled around I as ready for my nighttime medications, and voila! I was off to dreamland only to wake feeling much better and refreshed this morning.

I have a few folks in my angel arsenal to thank especially for their help yesterday.  Chemo days are tough so I am most appreciative when friends step up to help me on those difficult days...
Jody - for giving me a ride, and for awesome moral support
Monica - for taking Conrad all day long and tiring him out
Pam - for inviting Carolyn to spend the day again with her buddy Laura
Debbie - for a perfect dinner for me and all my family, it was wonderful
My mom and sister - who provide me with love and support DAILY, but who sit with me and are especially patient with me on chemo days!

And thank you also to all of you who are thinking of me, and praying for me, and sending me cards and wonderful words of faith, hope and love.  I am saving all these cards (in a huge binder!) and I look at them often for inspiration when I am having a bad day.  To close, I wanted to share a few words from a book of daily devotions I was given by our friends Darren and Anita Wardle.  This passage struck me as incredibly relevant, being that I am a little nervous for what is to come today.  This morning I have to go back to Oncology for my "Neulasta" shot...it is given to raise white blood cell counts the day after chemo and it is painful and makes me feel sick and achy.  Needless to say, I am not looking forward to it.  It's almost worse than the day of chemo.

So here's what the passage states and I read it last night:

"Do not worry about tomorrow!  This is not a suggestion, but a command.  I divided time into days and nights, so that you would have manageable portions of life to handle.  My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for only one day at a time.  When you worry about the future, you heap day upon day of troubles onto your flimsy frame.  You stagger under this heavy load, which I never intended you to carry.  Throw off this oppressive burden with one quick thrust of thrust. As you thus affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly.  Enjoy My presence continually by trusting Me at all times."

Sounds good to me.

Monday, July 11th - I REFUSE to let cancer win...

So, honestly, I can't really tell if I am having a stellar day or having a terrible day.  Maybe I am somewhere in between, but I thought it was important to post about how I am feeling because I refuse to let cancer dictate my state of mind or emotions.

This morning dawned and I was feeling great; strong, optimistic and eager to get on my bike.  Waking early to watch the Tour de France with Harun for the last week or so has prompted me to feel even more excited about getting on the bike again.  The problem is this; I have been walking every day since chemo but even so, my fitness has taken a DIVE off the deep end.  Let me repeat; my level of fitness has bottomed out at an all time low and I am extremely out of shape in just the few short months I've been battling cancer.  Chemo has already robbed me of strength and muscle and I'm only 1 treatment down, 15 to go.  Yikes!  I decided to try riding my bike through the neighborhood this morning, excited to be out in the fresh air.  But to my dismay, only a very miminal climb had me gasping for breath...damn cancer!  I was so frustrated.  Just a few months ago (right around the time of my diagnosis), I rode a 100-mile "century" ride with friends in Chico and felt stronger than ever!  Now I can hardly make it around the block without great effort.  Sadly, I came right home and hung the bike in the garage.  Unfortunately I was hoping that riding this morning would restore some of my self-confidence and help me to feel liberated, and instead if was completely humiliating and saddening and just made me feel completely pissed off.

SO, in order to make myself feel better I decided to take matters into my own hands...Cancer may be able to rob me of my fitness right now, but I'm not letting it take charge of everything in my life.  I had Harun shave my head altogether today so I COULD CONTROL when I lose my hair.  Ha!  Take that, Cancer.  You are NOT in control of everything in my life.  It actually feels quite funny and the kids are a little freaked out, but in time, I think we will all adjust to me wearing the wig.  The wig is blond, and a cute cut so I think it will do the job just fine.  At least Harun and I had a good laugh while he was doing the shaving...he made a sort of mohawk at first and we couldn't help but crack up!  I kept having to tell myself that this is the one and only time I will ever be doing this so better to laugh about it than be upset.  HAIR DOES NOT DEFINE ME.  And neither does having Cancer.

Tuesday, July 5th - Genetic Counseling

Well, out of all the news I have had delivered to me in the past few months, today's news is probably the BEST I have heard!  My mom went with me this morning to the hospital to meet with a genetic counselor, named Margo and lucky for me, she had some positive things to say.  About a month ago I sent Margo a fairly detailed family tree with all the medical information I could find about our relatives.  This meant chronicalling all the medical issues associated with both my father's side of the family, as well as my mom's (obviously cancer included, but listing other health issues as well).  Margo took that information and made a cool chart which illustrated all the information I had sent.  In addition, she utilized two computer models which take the information and give a projected likelihood that I carry the genetic marker (BRCA 1 and BRCA 2) for breast cancer.

My cancer surgeon had ordered the genetic counseling test for two very good reasons: 1) I was diagnosed with BC before the age of 45 and; 2) I had an aunt on my father's side who was diagnosed early (age 42) and eventually died of ovarian cancer.  (The genetic marker for breast cancer and the genetic marker for ovarian cancer are very closely linked.)  The surgeon said it would be important to know if we are looking at a possible genetic problem in the family, or if my cancer developed because of some other (unknown) reason.

HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS...based on Margo's two computer models...I ONLY HAVE A 6% or an 11% PERCENT CHANCE OF CARRYING THE GENETIC MARKER!!!!!  This is terrific and just the news I was hoping to hear.  What exactly does it mean?  Essentially, it looks like my developing cancer was just an environmental fluke and most likely has nothing to do with my genetic makeup.  This is great news for my mom, my sister, my kids, and most of all, me.  We DON'T want this crap in my family....no way!

Again, this was all preliminary data and we won't have the true test results until August 1st.  I gave a blood sample today and it will be sent away to a special lab where they will analze my DNA and report back the findings in a detailed report.  I might be jumping ahead of myself since the results are not yet confirmed, but I felt very hopeful based on what I heard today from Margo and am going to move forward believing what she said to be true.

If I DO carry the gene, the game changes a bit.  Most likely my doctor would suggest my having a hysterectomy since the two cancers (BC and ovarian) are so closely linked.  Ovarian cancer is a quiet killer and in many cases, unfortunately you don't know you have it until it's too late.  Thus, the idea would be to remove the ovaries before the cancer would have a chance to develop.  Not a bad deal, given that I'm done utilizing my ovaries (no more kids needed here!!!) and the surgery is laproscopic and not invasive.  After everything I have been through thus far, that sounds like cake!

The larger problem, if I find that I indeed carry the gene, is for the sake of keeping my family safe.  It would mean that each of my kids (even Conrad) would have a 50% chance of developing BC throughout the course of their lifetime.  I don't like even pondering that, but it will be something we will have to face if the test results come back positive.

That being said, I am keeping a POSITIVE attitude :) and hoping for the best.  And based on what Margo said today, it sounds like most likely I DO NOT CARRY THE GENE.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it....

Chemo ROCKS!

OK, so I am totally kidding by posting that, but I do try to keep my blog as positive as possible.  Actually, chemo stinks but I am doing my best to manage its ill-feeling effects.  It has been a little more challenging that I was hoping.

The day after each chemo treatment I receive what is called a "neulasta" shot in the arm.  The neulasta is used to boost my white blood cell count.  I actually felt much worse after the neulasta shot than I did after the chemo infusion!  Not only does the injection inflict the same horrible "flu" like nausea, but along with it comes a strange joint pain or ache.  Strange!  They advised me to take Claritin or Ibuprofen but it didn't do much to help with these side affects.

I am trying to take things day by day.  Today is three days post chemo and I am finally up and about, although still very weak.  I tire very easily and am not yet back to eating my normal foods.  Everything smells weird, looks weird or tastes weird so I am sticking to very basic foods.  The nutritionist told me that while crackers and bread probably sound about the best foods for my stomach, it is even more important that I eat lots of protein.  My sister gave me a bunch of Ensure shakes and they have been going down pretty easily.

I hope that I am on the upswing and will be feeling back to my normal self in the next day or two.  (Only to be knocked down once again by chemo on July 14th!)  Oh well.  :)

July 1st - Proud of Myself! Out walking the morning following chemo!

Yesterday was chemo treatment #1.  All went well and I was fairly pleased with myself on the drive home.  I didn't feel sick at that time, only a little woozy from all the medicines.  Thank God Harun was driving because in my condition I probably would have caused an accident somehow!  Looking back, I did two things incorrectly on my arrival home:

1) I should have had something to EAT since it was lunchtime and I hadn't had anything but cereal at 7 am.  But alas!  I was happy!  I survived my first chemo and it was time to celebrate, wasn't it?

2) I should have taken an anti-nausea pill BEFORE I started feeling badly.

At about 3pm the nausea hit me like a FREIGHT TRAIN and I was in the bathroom for the following three hours.  I never did throw up but felt like I was always on the verge, it was terrible.  I took a pill then, and had some crackers but at that point it was too late.

I felt horrible on and off for the next few hours until it was time to take my nightime meds.  These meds contain "sleepy sauce" so they put me to sleep almost immediately.  I slept fairly well during the night and only woke once to take another pill.

This morning I woke up feeling fairly normal and decided to make it a better day.  The more I can change the perception of how I "should" feel...then the better.  I took my medication along with a piece of toast and then put on my tennis shoes and headed out for a walk.  Fresh air always does me such good and it is as beautiful day outside.  The morning air was nice and cool but it sure does feel like things are heating up.  I put on my most inspirational music on ipod and hit the neighborhood.  I didn't go far, but far enough to feel like I was getting some exercise.

As my doctor told me, this week will be trial-and-error.  I will need to work on finding foods and drinks that soothe my stomach, figure out when it's best to take the medicines, and balance out exercising with rest periods.  That will be my challenge.  I will see her (Dr. Svahn) next Friday to discuss how the week went and see if we need to make any changes to my medications.

This afternoon I have to go back to DV Oncology for my quick "booster" shot.  Evidently this booster shot is a helper in aiding your system to recover from the affects of yesterdays drugs.  I will get this shot after every chemo for these first two months.  Again, this is because they are utilizing the "big guns" in my IV for these first two months.  The following three months when I receive Taxol I won't need the booster shots.

Thanks as always for all the positive MOJO being sent my way...I am keeping all those powerful good vibes in my mindset and that is helping me face the day.  I plan to walk everyday and maybe increase the mileage as I go along.  I also intend to get back on the bike, but I just am not feeling strong enough for that yet.  Will keep you posted.  XO

A few special shouts out to my arsenal of angels, without whom I couldn't do this:
Harun (my rock and right-hand man in all of this)
Elissa (for all her bad jokes which make me laugh)
My Mom and Dad (for helping me relax and spoiling me and my family)
My "little ray of sunshine", Monica
My mother-in-law, Rahile, who has been an incredible help around the house and with cooking
Kimmie, Mickey, Mary and all the CHS Women
Meg (who makes a killer meatloaf, by the way)
ALL of the generous cooks who have provided us with delicious meals!


I love you all and your care, concern and support helps me get through every day!

Thursday, June 30 - FIRST Chemo Treatment

This morning was my first of 16 chemo treatments at Diablo Valley Oncology over the next 5 months...sounds a little daunting, doesn't it?  Well, fortunately it was a breeze...I can only hope the remaining 15 go as well.  When we first arrived they showed us to our "infusion suite"; a little cubicle-like room with a comfy lazy-boy chair and a medical pole/stand which holds the bags of medicines.  There was also a chair for Harun but his was not quite as comfortable as mine.  The nurse (another wonderful woman, by the way) took my temperature and my blood pressure, and then brought me a nice warm blankie and reclined my chair to make me comfortable.  Kinda like being on vacation.  Well, sort of.  

Kaval (the nurse) explained to me what type of "cocktail" I was going to be getting today.  I was to receive 5 different drugs...all administered separately via the port on my chest which I got put in last week.  The medicines are all feed through an IV drip into the port.  It's a little bit painful when they hook the tube to the port, then after that you don't feel a thing.  Once the medicines start flowing in you can relax because the drugs are doing their work and you just sit back and read or chat or do a crossword (which is what I did today).  The cancer drugs are given last.  First, she was going to administer two anti-nausea medicines into my port (10 or 15 minutes to drain each bag).  Secondly, she was going to give me an anti-anxiety drug called Emend (woo hoo!  I LIKE that one!) which took another 10 minutes or so.  It made me feel HAPPY.  I said to Harun, "We gotta stop buying Chardonnay and just invest in some of this Emend stuff!"  Hee hee!  Thirdly, I got Cytoxan (that's one of the heavy-hitter cancer drugs).  It's administered a little differently...it's not in a bag like the others.  The nurse has three big syringes of the stuff and she shoots it into the tube instead of letting it drip.  She said this is done to insure that it goes into my bloodstream instead of my tissues.  Kind of crazy because it looks exactly like red coolaid...I jokingly asked her if she was sure she was using the right stuff!  For the next day or two I will be peeing pink as a result of this infusion.  The last drug was Adriamycin; the second of the heavy hitters.  A side affect of the Adriamycin infusion is that it makes your nose itcy and I was sneezing a little bit.  Weird.  To top off this crazy medicine cocktail, they have me a bit of saline in the IV to "flush it all down"...is that supposed to be like a chaser drink?  Not sure.

Anyhoo, I'm resting now at home.  So far, so good.  I feel a little loopy and sleepy but definitely not sick at all.  I suppose the next day or two or three will be the real test as to how my body tolerates the drugs.  I am hoping to feel well enough to attend all the family festivities on the 4th of July (one of my favorite holidays) but we'll see.  Thank you again to all of you who are praying and thinking happy thoughts for me.  I feel your strength and love, I really do.

Yes, Angels Do Exist

I got home not too long ago from the port procedure at John Muir.  All went well, and it was a relatively minor procedure.  The surgery only took an hour and then another hour in recovery so it truly was a "quickie"!  Now that I am home and resting, I have to share one story about this particular experience.

When I was in recovery this morning, I was assisted by a wonderful African American nurse named Brenda.  She had a very gentle, soothing way about her that I liked instantly.  We chatted for a few minutes about what I was going through and I got the sense she really felt for me and what I am currently going through.  I realize that all nurses possess a great deal of compassion and empathy, but Brenda seemed to embrace me with her eyes and she somehow looked into my soul and made me feel calm.  She grabbed my hand and held it and told me to take things one day at a time...that all would be well if I could just go slowly and face the days one at a time.  She didn't pull her hand away; she held tight and just looked at me.  She continued telling me that in her spare time she likes to knit, and if it was OK with me, she wanted to knit me a little cap for my head that I could wear at night.  She said, "because no one likes to go to bed with a cold head, Sistah!".  She asked me what color I liked and I told her my color these days is pink, definitely pink.  Hope for a cure.  So Brenda said, "pink, it is!" and she told me she would send it to my home address.  I think that somehow God knew I needed an extra bit of love today and He sent Brenda my way.  What a wonderful thing.

Friday, June 24 - Port Surgery Day

H and I are about to leave for Aspen Surgery Center at John Muir.  Yet another yucky procedure!  Argh!  This morning they are doing the "minor" surgery of putting the port in my chest (the port is where they will administer the chemo drugs).  Needless to say, I am not looking forward to it.  I am sure it will go fine and hopefully be over in a flash, but I am getting tired of all this crap!

Thursday, June 16 - Sportin' a NEW DO!

We had a family conference this week to discuss the dilemma of all my hair falling out.  I have been wearing it fairly long for the last few years (just past shoulder length) so the thought of all of it coming out is not necessarily a happy one.  But that being said, I will take it all in stride and have a little fun with it!  I've always wanted to try a choppy, short hairstyle but there never seemed to be a good time to try it.  I think longer is more asthetically pleasing on me, but shorter is so much easier!  Especially with all the exercising and bike riding I do.  It's just wash, quickly, and go!

Carolyn is the one who is most upset by the idea of my hair loss...the other two are seeming to take it in stride.  We talked about it and decided that we will take the process in baby steps; first I would get a short haircut (so they would get used to seeing me with shorter hair), and then wait for the first few weeks.  As soon as it starts to feel like it is going to fall out, I will let them have fun with the scissors and do whatever craziness they want (supervised, of course!).  Then Harun will do the shaving with some tools we have at home...I have been told it just feels better to shave it once it all starts to go.

So, with the blessing of my kids and husband, I went and had 4 inches of hair cut off today.  The girls found a photo of a cut they liked on the internet and we took it down to Great Clips.  The stylist did a decent job, but it sure feels weird!  It definitely will take some getting used to.  The oncologist said that I could expect to lose my hair about the time of my second treatment, so that means around July 14th.  So from now until July 14th I am sporting a short, blond bob!

I think in Lake Tahoe on vacation I'm going to host a "crazy hair/wig/hat" party on one of the nights we are there in honor of all this craziness.  We vacation with a big group of folks in Tahoe in July and we always get together for parties, so why not ask everyone to put on a wild-looking wig or hat?  The kids could use funky colored hair spray and spike their hair...something like that.  I will run the idea by the group to see if it will be well received.  I think it sounds like fun!

Next on the list: wig shopping.  Going to get to that next week.

Wednesday, June 15 - Two Appointments in One Day

Today we had the pleasure of going from one appointment to the next.  First, we met with "Michelle" at Dr. Svahn's office who will be my chemo nurse throughout the 5-month chemo process.  She's cool.  She went over all the drugs that will be administered during the 16-treatment regimine.  The funny thing is, in your chemo drip you really only get ONE cancer-killing drug during treatment, mixed with a whole cocktail of approximately 5 other drugs to help combat the side effects from the ONE cancer-killing drug.  Pretty interesting.  These "helper" drugs assist in control things like nausea, constipation, anxiety, diarrhea.  Like I said in a previous post, the first two months will be the most difficult of all (I go every two weeks) and then for three months I will go every week.  A "frequent visitor", I will be.  We got to tour the facility where they administer the chemo...it resembled an office with little cubicles, only in this case, each cubicle is an "administering station".  Each has a huge, leather lazy-boy chair and then a small chair (for a visitor/helper, I assume) and a medicine stand where they hang the bag(s) of drugs you receive.  They have portable DVD players and a nice selection of movies, books, magazines, etc.  Basically I will sit in the lazy boy for approximately 90 minutes to receive the medicine.  The nurses tell me that the time passes quicker if I bring a friend along.  I am asking Harun to come with me for the first and second chemo treatments; but I might be looking for friends to take me from time to time so that I can give Harun relief.  We'll see.  They said depending on how my body reacts, I should probably have a driver lined up to take me to and from.  It might be possible that I tolerate the drugs just fine and could drive myself, but only time will tell.  My first treatment is Thursday, June 30th.  I am nervous about it, but I'm adopting the Nike slogan, "JUST DO IT".

Our second appointment was with my cancer surgeon, Dr. Eigelberger.  She said I was looking good, healing fine, and she gave me the thumbs up to drive the car and START RIDING MY BIKE AGAIN!  Did you hear what I just said???  I was stunned.  She said only flat rides and short rides at first, but that there was no reason to keep me off the bike.  Yeah, Baby!  I will see Dr. E again next week for an outpatient procedure where she will insert the VAP under my skin near my clavicle (I don't know exactly what VAP stands for, but essentially it is the port by which they give me the chemo drip).  I am dreading yet another surgery but she assured me it is a "quickie" and over before I'll know it.  The VAP is used as an alternative to having an IV inserted into my arm for each treatment.

I am still waiting anxiously for the day I can shower!  Trust me, it's the little things you start to really miss...

The meals we have been receiving from folks have been AWESOME so I just gotta give a shout out to everyone who is helping feed my family!  It has been such a blessing to have this help.  I just got done eating a slice of homemade apple pie from my friend Angie...yum yum.  My appetite has been improving greatly this week so it's been fun to eat what everybody has been bringing over.  Thank you to all of you angels.

Also, compliments of my high school girlfriends, my house got thoroughly cleaned yesterday!  Wow!  What a special treat.  My mother-in-law has been doing everything around here and it was awesome to give her the day off!  The house is spotless and I am happy.

There have also been other angels who have been helping me with my kids...I won't mention your specific names, but you know who you are.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

June 14, 2011 - FIRST DAY WITHOUT PAIN MEDS!

Need I say more??!!  Yippee!!!

Monday, June 13 - What a beautiful day...

Harun drove me down to San Ramon to my appointment at Dr. Wotowic's offices this afternoon.  What a glorious day it is!  Dr. W said that it was time to have my drains removed (3) and I couldn't have been more elated!  These gosh darn drains underneath each armpit were the most uncomfortable, annoying, painful, itchy things imaginable.  They were such a constant source of pain for me over the past 10 days; they made it difficult to move around, to sit, to sleep, etc., so  I was so thrilled to see this day come.

Even with the drains removed, the underarm area is still incredibly sore and tender so I will continue to take the pain pills until no longer needed.  Dr. W said that showering was still not allowed (due to the remaining sutures) but that I could probably drive come Wednesday.  Woo hoo...freedom!  I didn't ask about biking yet, because I'm pretty sure he'd put the kybosh on that this early in the recovery, but I will ask when I see him next week.  He said my "new girls" were lookin' good, and gave them a little lift (he injected 30cc of saline solution into each tissue expander in each breast).  It was really quite cool - the tissue expander was surgically inserted after the mastectomy and over the next few weeks he will do these injections until I am the chosen size.  I gotta say, they are looking pretty nifty.  There is a very small, unnoticable port in each tissue expander and it is through this port where they insert the needle to inject the solution.  (If there wasn't a port, I suppose they would "pop" the little saline balloon.)  Sounds kinda gross, but it was actually quite neato.  I did not feel a thing while they did this - very weird.  In fact, I don't have any sensation in the new breasts at all.  I can run my hand across the skin and it just feels numb.  This will definitely take some getting used to.

I will see Dr. W again next Monday and the reason for the appointment will be twofold - first, to remove the sutures and second, to give the girls another injection with saline.

I am tired tonight, but definitely relaxed and content.  I am making it a point to celebrate small victories...and today's small victory (having the drains removed) has made me happy. :)

Friday, June 10th - Meeting with the Oncologist

I love my oncologist!  Kind of a funny statement, I know, but she truly is a gem.  Her name is Dr. Tiffany Svahn and her office is in Pleasant Hill, over near the Sun Valley Mall.  I had heard wonderful things about her from several of her patients, so when I found out she was the oncologist I would be working with I was very pleased.  Lucky for me, all the things they had told me about her were true.  She is a very caring, compassionate doctor and is a specialist in treating breast cancer.  And yes, she is younger than me. :)

Dr. Svahn confirmed the two pieces of good news we got yesterday - one one lymph node was affected with cancer, and the cancer inside the breast was estrogen receptive.  Yes, these are both good things but unfortunately it means the game is TOTALLY changed.  That one, stinkin', diseased, cancerous lymp node they found beneath my armpit essentially changes EVERYTHING.  Yes, to look on the bright side, I am happy that it is only ONE cancerous lymp node, but its presence changes everything.

Because it was only one lymp node found, she suggested not having a PET scan.  Usually patients with 4 lymph nodes affected or more are advised to have the PET scan.  I am fine with that.  But now the game changes from having Stage 0 cancer to having Stage 2 cancer (again from that one stupid lymp node).  That's a big jump.

Next step in my treatment - Chemo.  I am bummed, because chemo was my ultimate fear with all this (honestly, even moreso than having the bilateral mastectomy surgery).  Mainly because my kids will surely be affected by seeing me with no hair, but unfortunately I have no choice in the matter.  I'm just gonna have to rock a stylish wig, I guess!  It's fairly ironic because my hair now is the longest it has ever been.  Oh well.  I will have 16 treatments of chemo over five months.  My treatment will start probably July 1st and I will have a chemo treatment every two weeks (for the first two months), and then I believe every week for the next three months.  I'm trying to schedule the appointments so that I can still do our annual summer vacation in Tahoe...surely, I am not going to miss THAT due to cancer!  The hardest part over the five months will be the first two months; that's when the most powerful drugs are administered (the chemo is called dose-dense chemo).  So that means that my July and August will not be my happiest of times!  But my September, October, and November should be better.

Chemo essentially involves sitting in an office hooked up to a port (in my skin) where they administer the medication over 2 or 3 hours.  Dr. Svahn said I will probably feel fine the day it is administered, but the two or three or four days following I will be extremely tired and maybe nauseated.  She said they do try to give you a drug cocktail to help alleviate these symptoms, but to expect a rough road.  She suggested shaving my head/hair before it starts falling out on its own (she said that can somehow be LESS disturbing to women rather than losing it in chunks...not sure how that could be?!).  Yuck!  I'm gonna have to get some cool bandanas and rock that look for awhile, I suppose.

The survival rate after my bilateral mastectomy and chemo treatments will be 87%...I'll take it.  That number will possibly go up if I also choose to utilize hormone therapy (see my paragraph about Tamoxifen below).

So that all being said, next week will be busy with appointments for me.  I have a huge "to do" list.  First stop early in the week will be Dr. Wotowick's office to have my drain tubes removed...woo hoo!  This could not happen soon enough, believe you me.  These damn tubes are extremely uncomfortable and I cannot wait to have them gone.  Next, I have to schedule an appointment with Dr. E to have a port put in my chest area for the chemo...evidently it is an outpatient procedure and not a big deal (yay, for once, something is not a big deal!).  How refreshing.  Thirdly, I have to visit John Muir for a chest x-ray, some blood work, and an Ekkogram (to check my heart).  These are all tests that are required before you start chemo.

And all this will go on even during the reconstruction of my new boobies!  I am going to be one busy lady for the next few months.  During the chemo, Dr. Wowo will continue to "do his thing" creating my new girls.  This means weekly visits to his office so that he can add saline each time to my temporary implants (allowing the skin to expand gently each time).  I will have a later surger in the Fall to have the permanent impants put in and I'm still sticking to my goal of having them looking picture perfect by Christmas.

OK, so even after ALL THIS chemo and reconstruction is over, I will probably be put on a 5-year regime of a drug called Tamoxifen.  It is usually prescribed to woman like me (pre-menopausal) to keep the cancer away.  A crazy side affect is that it might send me into menopause early - yuck; but there are proven benefits to taking it so I will obviously comply.  I feel like I will cross this bridge once I get there...I realize there is a great deal to accomplish in my treatment before I start taking Tamoxifen.  Too much to think about now to worry about it.

That's all for now, folks.

Thursday, June 9th - GOOD NEWS!

This day will be one I remember for two very good reasons:

1) Our daughter, Maddie, turned 13!  A true teenager and beautiful in every sense of the word.  We are so proud of her.  I can't believe I became a mother 13 years ago today.

2) Dr. Eigelberger called with some fantastic pathology news - out of 22 lymph nodes taken during surgery last Friday only ONE had cancer!!  This is very promising and means that most likely there is no cancer anywhere else.  Whew!  I now can feel great about exhaling!  I will still have a PET scan and it will probably still mean some form of chemotheraphy but THIS IS GOOD NEWS.  Also good news is that the type of cancer I had is called hormone receptor - positive.  This basically means that my breast cancer’s cells have a significant number of receptors for either estrogen or progesterone, and is very likely to respond to hormonal therapies.  Part of my treatment will most likely include a drug called Tamoxifen, and it has been clinically proven to keep cancers like mine away.  Woo hoo!  We have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow, Dr. Tiffany Svan, and she will probably have the entire pathology report to discuss.  I promise to post more once I know more, but for now take comfort in knowing that WE ARE ONE STEP CLOSER TO BEING CANCER-FREE!  Life is good.  Keep those prayers comin'...they are working!!! XO

Week of June 6 - Recovering at Home

Home Sweet Home!  It felt great to return home to my family on Monday afternoon.  Just as I had imagined, the surgery went well and thanks to the drugs, I don't remember anything at all.  I am thankful first and foremost to the Lord, because I felt him holding me in the palm of his hand all weekend.  Secondly, my husband, sister, mom and dad were amazing.  Harun is normally very nervous in hospitals and around anything to do with the medial field in general, and yet he was cool and calm and very reassuring that all would be well.  I am so proud of him.  He even watched them remove my bandages for the first time and became my "primary" caregiver at home - the nurses taught him how to change my dressings and to drain my tube fluid.  Incredible for someone who almost passed out in the delivery room when our son was born!  He laughed about it, but while watching him re-wrap my bandages I told him I think it was the most proud I have ever been of him in our 15 years of marriage.

Thirdly, I have to thank the incredible nursing staff at John Muir.  They took exceptional care of me, no doubt.  My favorite nurse was named Trini, and she was there with me for two full days.  I was in awe of these compassionate and caring individuals.  My mom and I were talking about how it takes a very special person to be called to be a nurse.  Some of them working 12-hour shifts and still as pleasant as ever at the end of their shift than at the beginning!  I am so appreciative of their TLC.

My sister was able to stay with me all weekend in the hospital.  It was quite nice, actually.  I had a huge, private room and they brought in a cot for Elise.  It was a rainy, wet weekend so what better time to rest and relax while watching the rain fall outside?  Elise was a great nurse, too.  We enjoyed the quiet time together without the kids, since most often we get together with our six kiddos in tow.  One thing that was so funny - we decided to try to be young and hip and watch the MTV movie awards on Sunday night.  What a mistake!  We truly are getting old...the show was distasteful, wraunchy and over-the-top inappropriate!  I am saddened that the youth of today are entertained by such crap.

Being home has been great, although a little challenging.  I am trying to make things as normal as possible and it's been terrific with families who have provided dinners for us (THANK YOU!).  Even if I haven't been hungry, it's great to know that there is food to feed the family and the pressure is off to have to cook.  That's been truly a gift.

I am still in pain, unfortunately, but I suppose that is to be expected.  The pain meds they have prescribed are a bit strong...so I'm trying to balance feeling some pain with keeping my head on straight.  I don't want to see "loopy or out of it" around the kids.  Each day I've been home I've gone with Harun to pick them up from school and put on a happy face.  I even played Wii with Conrad yesterday and sat in the back yard to watch them all shoot hoops last night.  These are just small victories, I know, but I am taking pleasure in them.

I will see my plastic surgeon for a post-op appointment tomorrow, and will meet my oncologist (Dr. Tiffany Svahn) on Friday.  The doctors are saying there is possibly a need for me to have some additional treatment (boo hoo, I thought I was done with this CRAP!) so we now need to sit down and make a plan for the future.  My pathology report is not yet back from the surgery, but once we have that in hand, then we can make some decisions.  It seems that probably both chemo and radiation will be in my near future, but obviously in a few weeks after I have healed from the surgery.  Even knowing this, my resolve remains the same - the kick cancer to the curb - and I will do whatever it takes to get well.  I am a little bit disappointed about the chemo part since I was really hoping to avoid this.  It will be scary even for ME to lose my hair, so I can only imagine how scary it might be for my kids.  The only fun part might be having the girls help me pick out a wig since they like hairdos.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Thank you to everyone for everything this past week.  I don't know how I will ever be able to thank each and every person who has done something nice for me...but please know I am appreciative of it all and I feel your love!

XO

Friday, June 3rd - SURGERY DAY! YAY!

This is going to sound completely absurd, but I am so EXCITED it is surgery day!  All these tests and all this anxious waiting and now I can finally get it over with and move on with my life!  Yes, I am nervous and yes, my stomach is completely in knots but I know that once I get to the hospital I will be fine.  My plan is to close my eyes, picture my happy place (Chamber's Landing at Lake Tahoe) and then sleep.  Hopefully when I awake it will be all over and I will open my eyes to see my loved ones.  I am so very thankful for the incredible support I have gotten from first and foremost my close family...but also for the outpouring of love, prayers and concern from many, many friends and relatives (both near and far!).  Thank you all.  It helps me to feel strong, knowing that so many folks are sending me love today.  I promise to "keep on, keepin' on" and see you all real soon with a nice new set of boobies!  God bless.  Adios for now!!!

June 2, 2011 - Pre-op with Dr. Wowo

This afternoon was my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Wowo.  I felt completely at ease today...maybe it was because I set the tone for the meeting by asking the Doc what kind of bike he rides.  (That's something all bikers do; we compare notes on what type of frame we have.  Come to find out he has two Treks.)  Dr. Wowo drew crazy lines all over my chest and breasts with a purple pen.  Honestly, you would crack up if you saw the lines he made...it looks like a crazy African tatoo or something.  Right out of National Geographic.  The last thing he said to me was see you tomorrow and "be good".  Not quite sure what that meant, but you can rest assured I am trying my best to be "good" tonight.  After the appointment Elise took me out for lunch and a beer; earlier in the day we had a mani/pedi so it was some great "sister" time. 

As advised, I drank lots of water this afternoon, had spaghetti dinner up at Mom's house (thanks Mom!), and now having some quiet time at home.  I am nervous as heck about tomorrow morning but I completely trust everyone involved in this chaotic thing and I am putting myself in the hands of these skilled surgeons as well as the Lord.

June 1, 2011 - Pre-Admission Appointment

Harun and I went to my pre-admission appointment at the hospital this afternoon.  This meeting is essentially to get all the important paperwork out of the way, and to give you some details about where to report and when on the day of surgery.  The nurse, Stephanie, was really friendly and I loved the fact that she told me I could have a sedative as soon as I arrive on Friday!  Praise the Lord!  We are scheduled to get there at 8am, and our first stop will be radiation to receive the dye injection for the lymph node test.  Harun will be able to stay with me during that time.  Poor Harun, he hates hospitals and needles and I know all this is very hard for him to handle, but nonetheless he is being a wonderful support.  The surgery will start at 11 am, and last about 5 hours.  Then I will probably be in recovery for about an hour.  I believe my mom, dad and sister will be at the hospital when I wake up and my mother-in-law will be staying at our house with the kids.  Carolyn keeps asking me if I am scared; I keep assuring her that "no, I am just fine".  I'm not sure if she is buying it or not but I am trying my best to be convincing.  My biggest fear is that all of this freaks out our kids so the more low key I can make my emotions, the better.  This has already disrupted our lives enough.

June 1, 2011 - Brunch at Nancy's

OK, so it wasn't Breakfast at Tiffany's, but it was Brunch at Nancy's!!!  Thanks to Nancy for opening her breathtaking home for a wonderful morning sharing coffee and delicious goodies with some inspiring women.  Again, I was reminded how wonderful it is to be me...I am so blessed with incredible friends who came together to show me their love and support just before my surgery.  Many of these ladies I met at St. Bonaventure and the fact that we all have a shared faith in the Lord makes the relationship even more special.  Seeing all of these friends lifted my spirits and gave me a smile in my heart.  One friend, Monica, gave me a card with this beautiful saying -

"I know you trust in God, so I won't preach about knowing He's there for us all the more when we need Him most.  And I know you have the wisdom to see through the cliches and pat answers, so I won't offer any easy advice.  Instead, what I do want to offer is a gentle reminder of just how much strength you have inside...I've seen it and so has everyone who knows you.  I hope you can feel God's presence and power in a personal way right now...and I hope you can feel the caring, understanding, and support that's going out to you from my heart."

Wow...

May 31, 2011 - Night out with the Besties

My girlfriends from high school had a terrific idea of getting together at PF Chang's for a yummy dinner, some good wine, some laughs, some good conversation and some hugs.  It was a wonderful time and it made me really appreciate how much I love all of them.  There is something about being with friends you have had for a long time (a few of them 30+ years) that makes it so easy and comfortable to talk about anything...plus, laughter is always the best remedy and there is always a great deal of humor shared amongst this group of characters.  One friend drove all the way from Lodi and another from Sonoma - wow, I was humbled that on a "school" night we all were able to get together and raise a glass.  Some of my best times have been with these ladies.  As we sat there at dinner, I couldn't help but think about the proven statistic that 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer during their lifetime.  I certainly hope I am the only "1" in the group...it would pain me to think of any of them having to endure this.

May 25 - Pre-op Appointment with Breast Surgeon

I hadn't given much thought to this appointment, yet when I woke up this morning my body was already showing signs of being nervous.  I felt nauseated, I couldn't eat, I was grumpy...I suppose all subconcious signs that I was not feeling myself.  The appointment actually went fine; Harun and I met with Dr. E as scheduled and I left feeling a lot better.  We discussed what would happen during the surgery and how they would have results for me the following week.  Specifically, they will be looking at the lymph node biopsy to see if by any chance the cancer has travelled.  Best case scenario is that they don't find any dye in the lymph node - and in that case I most likely will NOT need to follow up with radiation or chemo (woo hoo!).  Obviously the story will change if the outcome from the test is different than that.  She said I will most likely be in the hospital two nights; maybe three if I am still uncomfortable.  She also thought I was making a good decision by having the double mastectomy at this time (thanks, Doc!).  After the appointment I went next door to have some blood drawn.  Going into it, they specifically like to know your blood type in the event you need a transfusion following surgery - evidently this is very rare - but it can happen.  I was also given a list of things to avoid in the next week (no drugs, drinking, or smoking - man, these folks sure have a way of killin' all my fun!).  We will report to John Muir Hospital in Walnut Creek next Friday at 8am, the lymph node injection will be at 9am, and the mastectomy will start at 11am.  And so it goes...