May 25 - Pre-op Appointment with Breast Surgeon

I hadn't given much thought to this appointment, yet when I woke up this morning my body was already showing signs of being nervous.  I felt nauseated, I couldn't eat, I was grumpy...I suppose all subconcious signs that I was not feeling myself.  The appointment actually went fine; Harun and I met with Dr. E as scheduled and I left feeling a lot better.  We discussed what would happen during the surgery and how they would have results for me the following week.  Specifically, they will be looking at the lymph node biopsy to see if by any chance the cancer has travelled.  Best case scenario is that they don't find any dye in the lymph node - and in that case I most likely will NOT need to follow up with radiation or chemo (woo hoo!).  Obviously the story will change if the outcome from the test is different than that.  She said I will most likely be in the hospital two nights; maybe three if I am still uncomfortable.  She also thought I was making a good decision by having the double mastectomy at this time (thanks, Doc!).  After the appointment I went next door to have some blood drawn.  Going into it, they specifically like to know your blood type in the event you need a transfusion following surgery - evidently this is very rare - but it can happen.  I was also given a list of things to avoid in the next week (no drugs, drinking, or smoking - man, these folks sure have a way of killin' all my fun!).  We will report to John Muir Hospital in Walnut Creek next Friday at 8am, the lymph node injection will be at 9am, and the mastectomy will start at 11am.  And so it goes...

May 22, 2011 - Maddie's Show

Our Maddie sang in a recital this past weekend.  The music was incredible - all my favorites from the Sound of Music.  During this entire cancer ordeal I have not cried, I have not gotten angry, I have not gotten upset.  And this is not to say I WANT to feel these things, but it has kind of surprised me that I am even more resilient than I thought.

During the show, Maddie sang "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Sound of Music and I had tears streaming down my face.  The harmonizing was so beautiful, the words so powerful, and I was so proud watching my girl up there on stage performing.  I KNOW that I will never walk alone, and perhaps that is why I know I will get through this.  That was so touching to me.

Monday, May 16 - Operation Date is Set

I am shopping for my post-surgery bra and jammies at TJ Maxx when Dr. E's office calls.  The surgery is set for Friday, June 3rd at John Muir Hospital.  It will be a long day.  I have to report there at 8am but the surgery won't start until 12:30.  Dr. E's mastectomy part will be about 2 hours and Dr. WOWo's reconstructive part will take about 3 hours.  Evidently, before the surgery they will "shoot" my breast with some crazy dye and then let it travel through my body.  During the mastectomy they will remove a major lymph node under my armpit - if the dye has travelled to this lymph node that would be bad news - if there is no dye in the lymph node then we can believe that the cancer, too, has not travelled.  Obviously, that is what we are hoping for!  They said my hospital stay will depend on a few factors, but I should expect maybe three or four days.  After I get home and during my recovery, I have to give up teaching my spin classes for some time and it will unfortunately be weeks that I will be off the bike.  However, I can start walking a few weeks into the recovery.  Harun is not gonna be happy with the way things look at first - I will have drains on either side which collect fluid (gross!) for a few weeks and my new "girls" won't be perky and perfect for a few months.  Such is life.

May 9 - MRI and results

Being the claustrophobe that I am, I take the valium prescribed by my doc.  I have had one MRI done before and I remember that the test is loud, it is long and it is inside a huge enclosed tube.  Again, I lie on my stomach and my breasts dangle through an opening on the table (this seems to be happening to me quite a bit!).  The MRI itself went fine; I just chilled out and tried to think of my happy place (Lake Tahoe).  They called me a few days later with the results - it confirmed everything we knew about the right breast, and showed that there was no sign of cancer in the left.  Even so, by that time I had decided that I wanted the left breast removed as well so the results didn't change anything for me.  I am adamant about this decision.  I only want my family to experience this hell once, and one time time only.  Some folks might view my decision as "rash or radical" but I COULD CARE LESS.  Only when this happens to you can you truly understand what it feels like...I almost wanna punch people who seem to question my rationale.  This is MY body and my body has cancer.  I WANT IT OUT.

May 4 - Dr. WOWo (as my sister is calling him)

Dr. Wotowik is my "plastic".  Elissa meets me for the appointment in San Ramon...she is eager to learn more about what is going on and especially about reconstruction after surgery (I actually think she is jealous that I am getting a new set of "girls").  He explains to me how the reconstruction portion of things is a process...it initially begins at the time of the mastectomy and then takes a few procedures over the course of a few months.  I get to decide my new "size"...

I like Dr. W.  He seems a little arrogant but obviously knows what he is doing and has been a surgeon for a long time.  Thankfully, he's a lot older than me.  Plus, he is a fellow cyclist so how could I not like him?

May 3 - Cancer Support Group

In the effort to "do everything they are telling me", I visit the Cancer Support Center in Pleasant Hill.  Wonderful place, wonderful people.  I attend a session for newly-diagnosed breast cancer patients which feels kinda weird because everyone there is well past 60.  Sweet people, but I feel really out of place.  Most of the stories are about late stage cancer; chemo, radiation, etc.  We go around the circle and I share my experience with the group.  I am in such a different place than most of these women.  I am only seeing this as a brief "speed bump" in my life...while they seem way too serious about the whole thing.  A presenter arrives for the last hour who gives a talk about positive visualization and meditation and how they can help during treatment.  I liked that part.  God bless the people who work there - I feel they really provide a safe, caring environment for those who need additional support during cancer, but it is just not for me.  I have so many family members and friends who I can confide in; I am lucky.  I felt so sad and heavy after leaving the center, like I now had my fellow cancer-sufferer worries on my back as well.  I decided not to go back.

April 28, 2011 - Dr. Eigelberger

The first thing I notice about Dr. Eigelberger is that she is an attractive blond and we have essentially the same haircut (cool!).  The second thing I notice is that we are probably the same age...which is somehow hard for me to grasp.  I'm only 40, aren't all the specialists in the medial field supposed to be older than me?!  Harun comes with me to the appointment and takes notes.  Dr. E suggests a full mastectomy of the right breast because the cancer covers such an extensive area.  She recommends I make an appointment with a "plastic"...which means a plastic surgeon who would handle the reconstructive part of things.  She also says I should consider some genetic counseling (to see if I carry the gene which predisposes you to having breast and ovarian cancer) and that I should make an appointment for an MRI so that we can rule out anything suspicious in the left breast.  After we leave the appointment, finding it difficult breathe and eat I immediately call my primary care physician to see if he might prescribe me some valium.  Things feel like they are coming at me WAY TOO FAST..

April 27, 2011 - Biopsy Results

My OB calls to tell me it is DCIS...what the heck is that?!  Ductal Carcinoma in Situ.  So if you are going to get bad news about cancer, it is essentially the best bad news you can get.  It is really no surprise; Dr. Fish had been pretty frank with me about what to expect and he was right on.  The OB refers me to Dr. Monica Eigelberger (yes, it is a mouthful) who is a breast cancer surgeon specialist and her office agrees to see me the next day.  And so it begins...

April 26, 2011 - Biopsy

The biopsy cracked me up because the best way I can describe it is that you are "worked on", almost like a car in a car shop!  You lay flat on a table and your breasts hang through an opening on the table...then you are raised up by a hydraulic thingy (think of your car being jacked up!) so that the doctor can work underneath you.  Fascinating.  They poke you with a numbing agent in the affected area and then get to work; taking samples of the tissue in question with a very small needle.  During the process they also insert a very small "marker" into the affected breast.  It looks like a fleck of gold, actually.  They tell me that this marker will show them instantly where the cancer is, in the event that surgery needs to be performed.  It's over lickety split, in about 15 minutes.  They lower me from the table and then take some additional glamor shots with the mammogram machine, then give me a bandaid and an ice pack.  The breast was definitely sore that day and the day following, but quickly healed.  They told me the results would be back the following day by 2pm.  EGADS...the waiting!

April 15, 2011 - Follow Up Mammogram

This time it's serious business.  Five or six glamour shots on each side.  Woo hoo!  After the test, I am shuffled to a waiting area where the tech tells me to stay in the hospital gown, "just in case the doctor decides we need more pictures".  So there I am, clad in my hospital dress, clutching my purse and trying to catch up on the latest People, when someone named Dr. Fish (I came to learn later) enters and motions for me to follow him into an exam room.  He says to me, "we've found something".  I am still not sure I have heard what he said when he tells me to have a seat.  He explains that they found a 7cm area across the lower right breast which contains a great amount of calcifications; many times which are found to be benign in most women.  In my case, there are A LOT of them and they are widespread and he can see from the mammogram that they are clustering in a pattern which is often characteristic for early breast cancer.  He asks if I am alone, and I was, then tells me to expect having surgery in the next few weeks.  He hands me a packet of information, smiles and shuffles me out of his office.  My next step is to have a biopsy.  Stunned, I call Harun and tell him I'm not coming down to Carmel (bummer!) but going home to make an appointment for a breast biopsy.  What an interesting change of events.

April 14, 2011 - Call from Hospital

I was packing to leave on a weekend trip with Harun to Carmel.  The kids were staying with grandma for the weekend and Harun and I were scheduled to ride the "Sea Otter Century"; 100 miles on our bikes along the gorgeous coastline.  The phone rings.  It's John Muir Health and they need me to come in tomorrow morning for a follow-up mammogram.  Yuck.  Well, my OB told me not to panic if I get called back...evidently this happens about 80% of the time with "newbies" like me.  So, I made the appointment for 10 the next day and decide I will have to delay my trip to Carmel until late afternoon.  Harun is already down there.

April 12, 2011 - First Mammogram

Having just turned 40, my OB writes me a referral to John Muir Health for my first ever mammogram.  I report to the hospital as scheduled.  The test wasn't the worst thing I've ever experienced, but certainly not pleasurable!  The tech says, "boy you've got a lot of calcifications in your right breast!"  Not knowing exactly what that meant, I took it as positive reinforcement for being a good milk drinker!  (Get it?  Calcifications...Hee hee.)