I can hardly believe that it will only be three more weeks of treatment and then I can get on with the rest of my life. It seems like an eternity since I was diagnosed on April 15th. The best way I can describe it is to say my life has been on hold for six months and I am anxiously awaiting normalcy to return. I almost feel like I can't exhale and won't until November 11th has come and gone.
Unfortunately the treatments have not gotten any easier, in fact, some days/weeks are worse than they have been. Like today, I had scheduled a bike ride with a friend but had to back out because I just feel sick. It is an awful feeling; I'm not quite sure what to activities to schedule because I never know just how by body will be on any given day. Last Tuesday I had a glorious bike ride and felt terrific, so to wake up today and not feel well was disappointing. I realize that I only have three weeks to go but that honestly doesn't make it any easier. Some of the odd side effects of Taxol are really starting to bother me. One of them in particular is this strange sense that something is stuck in my throat and I have to keep swallowing to try to clear what is there. And there is NOTHING there! It's just a weird sensation. The other things that are bothering me lately are the neuropathy (tingling in my hands and feet) and hot flashes. Yes, I realize I only have to endure these things for the next three weeks but let me tell you, it's been 13 weeks so far and I am TIRED of it all.
On a more positive note, the hair on my head is starting its regrowth. It's not really hair yet, actually, more like peach fuzz, but something is definitely happening up there! I look forward to the day when I can leave my wig at home or not wear a cap...that will be liberating! I am always somehow afraid that either of these will blow off in the wind and I will shock folks with my "alien" look. The only place I feel truly free is when I am on my bike with my bike helmet on; it is strapped on so there is no fear of it blowing off and I can feel the wind rushing against my head. It sounds weird, but it's true. I am not a vain person, by any means, but I am looking forward to having my hair back. It's kind of like insult to injury - you feel really sick and depressed because of the effect of the cancer drugs - and then you have to endure LOOKING weird through it all. No fun. I laugh when I tell Harun it must be hard to love me right now because I look so strange, but he's been terrific.
That's all for now. I am doing my best to remain positive and strong (as I had promised myself I would at the start of this whole thing!) but I can definitely say it is taking its toll on me. I guess I am just getting tired of fighting the fight and would like it to all be over sooner than later!!!
