So, honestly, I can't really tell if I am having a stellar day or having a terrible day. Maybe I am somewhere in between, but I thought it was important to post about how I am feeling because I refuse to let cancer dictate my state of mind or emotions.
This morning dawned and I was feeling great; strong, optimistic and eager to get on my bike. Waking early to watch the Tour de France with Harun for the last week or so has prompted me to feel even more excited about getting on the bike again. The problem is this; I have been walking every day since chemo but even so, my fitness has taken a DIVE off the deep end. Let me repeat; my level of fitness has bottomed out at an all time low and I am extremely out of shape in just the few short months I've been battling cancer. Chemo has already robbed me of strength and muscle and I'm only 1 treatment down, 15 to go. Yikes! I decided to try riding my bike through the neighborhood this morning, excited to be out in the fresh air. But to my dismay, only a very miminal climb had me gasping for breath...damn cancer! I was so frustrated. Just a few months ago (right around the time of my diagnosis), I rode a 100-mile "century" ride with friends in Chico and felt stronger than ever! Now I can hardly make it around the block without great effort. Sadly, I came right home and hung the bike in the garage. Unfortunately I was hoping that riding this morning would restore some of my self-confidence and help me to feel liberated, and instead if was completely humiliating and saddening and just made me feel completely pissed off.
SO, in order to make myself feel better I decided to take matters into my own hands...Cancer may be able to rob me of my fitness right now, but I'm not letting it take charge of everything in my life. I had Harun shave my head altogether today so I COULD CONTROL when I lose my hair. Ha! Take that, Cancer. You are NOT in control of everything in my life. It actually feels quite funny and the kids are a little freaked out, but in time, I think we will all adjust to me wearing the wig. The wig is blond, and a cute cut so I think it will do the job just fine. At least Harun and I had a good laugh while he was doing the shaving...he made a sort of mohawk at first and we couldn't help but crack up! I kept having to tell myself that this is the one and only time I will ever be doing this so better to laugh about it than be upset. HAIR DOES NOT DEFINE ME. And neither does having Cancer.
At least you have a legit reason for being out of shape. All I can blame are chili dogs.
ReplyDeleteGood job getting back on the bike.
Charlie
Hey Tamara, do you want to ride 100 miles or do you want your body to fight cancer? It took a strong mind and body to ride a century, a tremendous accomplishment, so hang your bike up with pride. Cancer isn't taking away your fitness, your fitness is fighting the cancer. Fight On!
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